TSA Hot Today No Chili Tamale

     As a 100,000 plus miles per year frequent flyer and having been responsible for the safety and security of passengers and employees at two major international airports and a major international airline, I am just a tad more aware of what is going on around me whilst traveling in today's security-minded environment.
     As an advocate of Israeli-style security procedures, including profiling of most likely suspects, I find myself betwixt and between when I encounter some unusual security policies and procedures at airport screening checkpoints.
     Two recent events that I have personally experienced, no second-hand stories here, border on being laughable yet really illustrate the sad state of affairs within Commandant Michael Chertoff’s Homeland Security TSA.
     The first event took place at one of my favorite connecting hub airports, Cincinnati (CVG), where the locals boast of a concoction called Skyline Chili.
     While this porridge-like mixture reveals neither meat nor beans like its Texas cousins, Skyline Chili offers a unique Maltex-like cereal consistency, a hint of nutmeg and cinnamon, and it swallows shredded cheese and diced onions like a bowl of acid-based quicksand.
     There are no identifiable substances, meats or other ingredients in the Skyline Chili offered at CVG.
     It has the consistency of brick mortar and I suspect if left uneaten, it would eat its own way through the cardboard containers within which it is dispensed. Its only other significant characteristic is its bouquet.
     For the less sophisticated…..it smells! Again…its odor is also unique and I notice the local flies and other flying insects seem to avoid this chili like it has its own TCA!
     And, yes, despite the aforementioned descriptions, I love and crave Skyline Chili.
     I make connections at CVG instead of through ATL just to get my monthly ration!
     Well, having a close connection, I purchased my monthly dose of CVG gruel “to-go” and proceeded to the departure gate where the TSA was conducting secondary screening of carry-on luggage.
     The very polite and mature TSA agent advised me that I could not bring my container of chili aboard the aircraft but that I had two minutes to swill down the contents in his presence.
     I inquired as to when chili had been determined by TSA to be a dangerous and hazardous item to anyone except those who chose to eat it?
     He responded that TSA considers chili a liquid and all liquids have been banned from being brought aboard aircraft.
     I suggested that having a senior citizen such as myself swill down a concoction of chili, melted cheese and 2 pounds of diced onions could result in an explosion aboard the flight that while probably not catastrophic in results, my nearby seatmates will have wished that they were unconscious.
     Ah, a first time for everything, as much to my surprise my new-found friend within the TSA actually offered a remedy to the problem.
     This polite and mature agent said there was a way to bring the chili aboard legally and this could be accomplished by returning to the chili vendor and have some strands of spaghetti added to the container!
     I had to make sure I heard this solution correctly so I asked the question succinctly and slowly…
     ”Do you mean that if I add to this container a few strands of limp and overcooked spaghetti, that apparently neutralizes the explosive characteristics of the chili, I can then bring the chili aboard with your consent and approval?”
     “YES!...that is the official TSA policy!” was his reply.
     What I find remarkable is not that overcooked spaghetti can neutralize explosive devices and mixtures but that the TSA has not yet held a press conference announcing their new and incredibly unique END (Explosive Neutralization Device).
     The next time I pass through the security check points at Ben-Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv I am going to inquire about their official chili policy.
     I am willing to bet our TSA is way ahead of those guys in Israel!
Frederick C. Ford, A.A.E.

(Editor’s Note) Mr. Ford who contributes regularly here is a former General Manager of DFW International Airport, Director of Aviation at MASSPORT and President of Pan Am Management Systems.